I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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