god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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