I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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