I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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