sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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