You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
