Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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