I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sobbing to NWA
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
