Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
