There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
