I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
