it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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