Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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