is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i wish my penis had a tongue
sarcasm needs its own font
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
