college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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