While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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