I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
