wakey wakey hands off snakey
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize