I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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