I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
