I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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