Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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