Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
