I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
