When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
