im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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