We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
