Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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