This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
