Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
