____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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