He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i came on her dog
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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