his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
