I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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