so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
