girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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