Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
