Will you blow on my dice?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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