I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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