I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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