All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have aggressive nipples.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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