Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
