I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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