Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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