good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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