How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
