Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize