I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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