So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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