either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
