seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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