My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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