I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Every concussion has its silver lining
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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