before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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